Thank you TV, thank you tabloids, and thank you unqualified medical advisor…

(c) Guerry

I can sense the media’s disappointment at the subsiding of the scale of the swine flu virus. It was only two weeks ago that the headline makers were rubbing their hands at the prospect of a story to keep circulation high and sales soaring over the summer months. Today, after what must have been a whole 48 hours free of flu news, we hear that 110,000 caught the virus last week. More column inches filled. More ‘swine flu is expected to rise in the autumn’ is reported. If I read another article telling me that they are expecting a winter surge, I will personally see to it that the NHS have practise with a pre autumn surge in journalist related beatings.

Honestly, it’s beyond ridiculous. I don’t mean to trivialise an illness which has killed hundreds, and could possibly mutate and kill a third of the British public. But I do feel that given the over the top hysteria the media are feeding, there is a vacancy for someone to mock and deride the effects of the virus, just for some perspective. And I just can’t help it anymore.

The news reported that 27 people have now died from swine flu in the UK. Last thing I knew, two Fridays ago I believe, it was 29. So swine flu deaths overall are actually down two in two weeks. Wow, send me a facemask please! I was at a gathering two Sundays ago, of about 11 or so people, three of whom had recently had the virus. Half the evening was spent discussing the very regular flu symptoms they all had. ‘It’s just like normal ‘flu!’ Huh, imagine that.

Then I must move onto the symptoms. Very helpful bit of advice here from the NHS. Symptoms can include the following; coughing, runny nose, sore throat, aching limbs, tiredness, chest pain, vomiting, dhiorrea. The other week I was dehydrated, the symptoms of which were a sore throat, tiredness, aching limbs, temperature, chest pain and diahrrea. Two or more symptoms and you can get Tamiflu, apparently. Which means that over the last three months, I reckon I’ve been technically eligible for the antivirals a good few times now, what with being a hayfever sufferer.

And now we have the untrained advising us and assessing whether we need the drugs. Yeah, they check a medically constructed list but seriously, do we need this?! Had the media not overstated the seriousness of the virus currently, the majority of those calling wouldn’t have thought twice about seeing a doctor. And really, given the online service available, there is no real need for this flu line. If you need the drugs, get online. If you’re that paranoid that you feel the need to discuss your symptoms with an unqualified individual, do as Chris Tarrant would say, and phone a friend!

Funny, my throat is starting to feel sore…